Dental Anxiety

I hate going to the dentist. I know a lot of people find it unpleasant, but I really, really hate it. I was driven to tears at the thought of getting my teeth cleaned a month or so ago. Tomorrow, and for several upcoming weeks, I’ll be getting a lot more than cleaning done to my teeth, and I am very unhappy about it. There’s no other thing for it though– I have to go to the dentist. Since there are no other solutions, I am left only with complaining. To that end, I have developed following list of things I would rather do than go to the dentist, in no particular order of preference:
1. Learn to swim in the presence of an angry Giant Squid.
2. Watch 1980’s coming-of-age movie “classics.”
3. Wash the dishes.
4. Eat ice cream.
5. Visit Hawaii.
6. Ride roller coasters.
7. Train pterodactyls to eat out of my hand.
8. Wrestle a bear.
9. Cover myself in honey and lie on an anthill.
10. Weed my garden.
11. Stab myself repeatedly in the eye with a bobby pin.
12. Dig out my own entrails with a rusty spoon.
13. Regularly do more than just brush my hair in the morning.
14. Drink milk.
15. Become a real, live Jabba the Hutt (learning Huttese is the hardest part!)
16. Go to France in August.
17. Work in fast food– for longer than two weeks this time.
18. Be surrounded by drunk people while remaining totally sober myself (no, it’s not funny that you’re drunk; it’s embarrassing).
19. Give sponge baths to old people.
20. Get lice.
21. Shoot myself in the foot.
22. Break my leg.
23. Never read comic books again.
24. Never read anything again.
25. Fend off angry English children throwing rocks at me.
26. Throw rocks at bratty English children.
27. Be pick pocketed in Asia.
28. Join the Foreign Legion.
29. Actually become a troll and have to eat my sister’s feet, as I’d always threatened.
30. Host a booth at Ren Faire.
31. Become human shark bait.
32. Be pooped on by a thousand sea gulls simultaneously.
33. Be buried in the sand at low tide.
34. Never eat again.
35. Post video on YouTube of myself reading my journals from middle school, and with feeling.
36. Admit to my mother that she was right.
37. Admit to anyone that they were right.
38. Rope a goat.
39. Write “poetry” for Hallmark cards.
40. Drink the water in Mexico.
That’s my first forty anyway. No doubt plenty more will occur to me. Feel free to post your own list, but I’ll have none of this “It’s not so bad,” cheering-me-up nonsense. It won’t work.

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